2.21.2013

 Today is a total T.M.I. Debbie Downer post, so if you're not into that kind of thing, I suggest you cruise on through to your next blog ;)


So yesterday I had to make a stupid hard decision, like the kind of decision that will change the way the rest of your life goes. Those really suck. And I was given approximately 24 hours to give my final answer. Naturally I spent my entire. freaking. day. going through all of the what if's, practically begging Charlie to tell me what to do (which he didn't, darn him!), and even though I've officially come to what (I think) I'm going to do I don't feel happy about it. It's one of those things that I just wouldn't be happy with no matter what choice I made, so I'm making the one that I feel is right for me at this moment. I'm just hoping so, so much that I don't look back on this and completely regret it.

If you've made it this far you're probably asking yourself "WHAT IS THIS DECISION, STACY!?!" or maybe not, but in any case here ya go... Yesterday morning I was just given an opportunity that if it had happened this time last year I would have jumped for joy and screamed "yes!" without even blinking an eye. I was given the opportunity to teach my dream grade, with my dream team, at my dream school. Except now when I find out about it all I can think about is that I have just finally made the decision to take a break from teaching. I'm just getting started with design and totally love it, and would have to completely give it all up. I'll have to drop all of my classes. I'll have to quit before I've really even started with it all. 

Then the self doubt kicks in and I start to think that I never really could have been successful in design anyway, and I should stick to what I know and what I can get a job in. Then I start thinking that if I don't take the risk, I'll never even know... Classic over thinker/analyzer right here.

So, after many tears and complete uncertainty I have decided to stick with the direction that I've been heading and take a break from teaching. Which is why I chose this quote from the Perks of Being a Wallflower, because I'm both happy and sad about the whole darn thing, and I can't quite figure out which one I should be.

I know there are much, much worse problems to have, and I'm actually grateful to have this problem, but it still sucks to be so sure of myself and have it all change in a second. Every inch of my body feels filled up with some sort or thought or emotion, and I hate it. Maybe I'll look back on this and realize it's not really that big of a deal and that I'm completely overreacting, but right now I feel like I'm deciding my fate, and I really don't want to eff that up.

2 comments:

  1. I feel for ya.. That's a huge deal. But I def believe, you only live once, this isn't a dress rehearsal. So I'm glad you're chasing your dreams. :) a talent like yours should be put to use!

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    Replies
    1. That is very sweet of you, Ashley!

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